Letting People Help You is Letting People Love You
Adult children often prefer to be a helper rather than a helpee. We find it easier to be helpful – sometimes we even feel the need to be indispensable so that we are not forgotten about – than to allow ourselves to be helped.
Adult children struggle to ask for help.
We think that maybe the request will be ignored, rejected or scorned. Maybe we will be seen to be weak. Maybe we will let down our guard and be hurt.
Or, more likely, we don’t think at all. We are so used to looking after ourselves and everyone around us that it just does not occur to us to ask for help.
Adult children struggle to accept help.
Sometimes, actually often, we actively turn down offers of assistance. We don’t want to appear weak. Or needy. Or incapable. We need to keep up the pretence of being able to look after ourselves and everyone else, even when that is not true.
I once spent two weeks on a study tour in Denmark with 14 policemen (which is a whole other story for another day). Every morning I came down from my hotel room, struggling to carry my somewhat bulky suitcase. Every morning 14 big strong men offered assistance. Every morning I turned down their offers to help me with my baggage (pun intended). Had I accepted, I would have avoided a lot of back pain, and been able to build stronger and more reciprocal relationships with the colleagues I was making it so hard to grow a team with.
We can be so attached to our own hardships and the unhelpful thought and behaviour patterns that perpetuate them, that we can’t allow ourselves to put down that burden by asking for – and accepting – help that is available to us.
We reject ourselves as well as the people trying to help us.
Think about how you feel when you want to help someone and they won’t let you. It feels very frustrating and hurtful. Because when we want to help someone we really want to give them something, be it love, approval, or support. We want to show that we are noticing and appreciating them.
You know how much you like to help others – how about sharing the joy and letting them help you sometimes?
Because when we let people help us, we are letting them love us.
Feeling overwhelmed in your life, work or relationships?
- Purchase one of my self-study online courses.
Tags: adult children | help | letting love in | love
- “I have seen various psychologists and therapists but none of them have the skill of Judy in being able to relate to me and the way I think about things.”
- “Judy, you have given me the tools to change and move my life in directions I never knew possible. I am truly grateful for your help.”
- “Perception is everything and working with Judy has helped me realise my true potential by changing my outlook of life into more positive ones. I enjoy walking out of a life coaching session feeling like I am in control again, less stressed and more energetic.”
- “Judy is my go-to person when I find myself uncertain about how to interpret the signposts in my life. Her insights and ability to draw out what lies deepest inside have helped provide clarity and integrity at pivotal life moments over many years.”
- “I’d recommend Judy to anyone who’s feeling stuck, weary, confused, discouraged, uncertain, in need of support – basically, I’d recommend her to any carbon-based life form that breathes oxygen and would like to have a wonderful life.”
As seen on and in
