If You Were Better It Wouldn’t Be Better
As a life coach I work with many clients, from a wide range of backgrounds. Almost all of them share at least some of the characteristics and limiting beliefs of adult children. One of the most common of these is the belief “if I were better it would be better.”
At a young age children believe that they are responsible for everything that happens around them – good things happen because they are good and bad things happen because they are not good enough. All the bad stuff that is going on around them is their fault; it is because they are not good/clever/pretty/funny/strong/brave enough that their parents are fighting.
Or unhappy.
Or stressed.
Or distant.
Or scary.
If they were just able to become better/stronger/braver/cleverer, then their parents would be happy and loving and caring and kind.
If parents are not able to tell their children that their unhappiness or dissatisfaction is an adult issue and has nothing to do with the children (and there is no blame here – all parents do the best they can, even though it may not seem like it sometimes) those children are likely to take this belief with them into adulthood. They will persistently, but unconsciously, feel that they are to blame for all the bad stuff that goes on around them. Their spouse’s bad temper, that affair that s/he had, a child’s illness, a friend losing a job….
Adult children feel responsible for everything and everyone around them. And we try to make things better by changing something about ourselves.
“If I lose weight she will be nicer to me.”
“If I am more interesting he will spend more time with me.”
“If I have a face lift I will find a good man to love me.”
“If I wasn’t so tired s/he wouldn’t have had an affair with my best friend.”
There is a small child-like part of us that feels that we can make things better – for ourselves and others – by ‘improving’ ourselves.
But the truth is that we are not responsible for the choices, responses or actions of anyone other than ourselves.
YOU are not responsible for, nor can you change, the choices, responses or actions of anyone other than yourself.
You can, however, change your own choices, responses and actions.
In all probability nothing about you needs to be better, but perhaps your responses to people or situations need to change?
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Tags: adult children | can't change others | change yourself | responsible for yourself
- “I have seen various psychologists and therapists but none of them have the skill of Judy in being able to relate to me and the way I think about things.”
- “Judy, you have given me the tools to change and move my life in directions I never knew possible. I am truly grateful for your help.”
- “Perception is everything and working with Judy has helped me realise my true potential by changing my outlook of life into more positive ones. I enjoy walking out of a life coaching session feeling like I am in control again, less stressed and more energetic.”
- “Judy is my go-to person when I find myself uncertain about how to interpret the signposts in my life. Her insights and ability to draw out what lies deepest inside have helped provide clarity and integrity at pivotal life moments over many years.”
- “I’d recommend Judy to anyone who’s feeling stuck, weary, confused, discouraged, uncertain, in need of support – basically, I’d recommend her to any carbon-based life form that breathes oxygen and would like to have a wonderful life.”
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