Why is it So Hard to Say No?

by Judy Klipin

It is a trait of adult children that we feel we have to give a very good reason for not doing something we have been invited or asked to do.  Instead of just saying ‘no, thank you’ or even just ‘no’ we feel we have to give a good reason – and often make one up, or embellish the actual reason to make it seem more important.

We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, you see. 

And we don’t want to be hurt either. 

Most of our unhelpful habits are unconscious attempts to keep us from being hurt.  We have deeply entrenched, childlike fears of what may happen if we do things differently and – for example – just say no.

I have identified some of the most common of these unconscious and childlike fears.  I present them here to you, followed by an adult understanding and response.

If I say no I will never be asked again. 

If you really do want to be asked again, make that clear when you say no: “I am really sorry I won’t be able to do that/be there this time, but please do ask me again – I would love to do that/be there another time.”

If you don’t want to be asked again then don’t say you do because you may have to make another excuse next time.  Think about whether or not this is something you really would like to do at some point and, if it isn’t just say, ‘no, thank you’!

If I say no I will have to give a good reason why/ have a good excuse.

You really don’t have to explain yourself.  Why you can’t (or won’t) do something is nobody’s business but your own.

The more complicated you make the reason for saying no, the more opportunity there is for the asker to find reasons why your excuse isn’t valid (‘bring your grandmother with’, they may say, or ‘let’s make it another day then’).

You can just say no – politely of course.

If I say no I will be letting someone down.

We are very concerned with protecting others from pain – be it real or imagined.  We imagine that if we say no we will be disappointing someone and that feels hard.

However:

They will survive the disappointment.

If you say yes when you mean no, you will be letting yourself and others down.

If I say no I will be rejected.

Our fear is that if we say no then the person doing the asking will get angry and will punish us.  The truth is that anyone who is worthy of our attention will understand and forgive us if and when we say no.

If you say yes when you mean no, you will be rejecting yourself.

If you no politely, clearly and lovingly, your no will be accepted.

If I say no people will think badly of me.

A major source of concern for us is what other people think and feel about us.  We imagine that the thoughts that they do have about us are mostly negative and critical.

We believe that people think about us far more than they actually do; they are more concerned with thinking about themselves most of the time.

Ask yourself this: “If I don’t say no how will I think of myself?”.

I can’t say no to others when I have more than they do.

It can be hard to say no to someone who we perceive to have less than we do.  We feel so guilty about our relative riches (be they material, relational or emotional) that we feel we have to give our toys away.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to share your good fortune.  Just do it in a way that you choose to, rather than feeling an obligation that will lead to resentment.

 

The truth is that the only person you have any real influence or control over is you.  Your actions, thoughts and responses belong to you alone and it is not your responsibility – or even in your power – to make others happy.

So save your energy and do what feels right for you – I can pretty much guarantee that most of the people around you are doing just that!

As Byron Katie says, “A no to someone else is a yes to me.”

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Certified Adult Child CoachCOMENSA Registered Coach