Please don’t coach me unless I ask you to
Sometimes I need a good moan. (Like right now, for instance.) It lets me get things off my chest, process some yucky feelings, and maybe even feel a little sorry for myself or grumpy about certain things.
And that is OK.
Because out of my sorry-soup comes self-compassion, clarity and creativity.
Often I don’t need or want to be coached out of the soup – I want to vent and feel heard and seen. I want a compassionate witness who can sit in the soup with me, rather than trying to turn it into a cake. I want to be able to spend enough time in the soup to allow it to marinade and develop some flavour, so that the aftermath is rich and satisfying.
When I do want and need some coaching, however, I know how and where to go for it.
It may be (OK, it probably is) that I am an adult child and therefore hate being told what to do, but the fact is that little irritates me more than some well-meaning person trying to help me ‘fix it’ or show me the silver lining, when I haven’t asked them to.
One of the things I find challenging about being part of a coaching community is the sometimes somewhat overzealous approach to coaching. There is a fine line between compassionate support and (what can feel like) intrusive badgering. Mention something that is distressing – or even mildly pre-occupying – to a coach and you could find yourself having your thoughts questioned, your feelings challenged, or your discomfort contradicted. You may even find yourself with a cheerleader for changes in your life that you don’t want to make.
I know how easy it is to fall into this coaching trap because I have found myself doing it many times; trying to help friends make better choices, think better thoughts, feel better feelings.
It all comes from a good and loving place, but it isn’t always appropriate.
Not every negative, challenging or ‘dark’ emotion requires questioning and turning around. Without question, many do, but it is up to me to decide when and where to ask for help to make sense of them and I am well able to seek out people who can help and ask them to assist me to change my thinking.
Coaching is a reciprocal and contractual relationship; implicit in the scheduling of and paying for sessions is the client asking for help, and in return the coach provides the appropriate support.
Hairdressers don’t start cutting people’s hair randomly in the street – they wait for their clients to come into the salon at their appointed time. In my opinion coaches should observe the same protocols.
Feeling overwhelmed in your life, work or relationships?
- Purchase one of my self-study online courses.
Tags: clarity | coaching | compassion | compassionate witness | creativity | don't tell me what to do | writing
Subscribe to Real Life Coaching
For email notifications about new blogs I publish, click here.
- “I have seen various psychologists and therapists but none of them have the skill of Judy in being able to relate to me and the way I think about things.”
- “Judy, you have given me the tools to change and move my life in directions I never knew possible. I am truly grateful for your help.”
- “Perception is everything and working with Judy has helped me realise my true potential by changing my outlook of life into more positive ones. I enjoy walking out of a life coaching session feeling like I am in control again, less stressed and more energetic.”
- “Judy is my go-to person when I find myself uncertain about how to interpret the signposts in my life. Her insights and ability to draw out what lies deepest inside have helped provide clarity and integrity at pivotal life moments over many years.”
- “I’d recommend Judy to anyone who’s feeling stuck, weary, confused, discouraged, uncertain, in need of support – basically, I’d recommend her to any carbon-based life form that breathes oxygen and would like to have a wonderful life.”
As seen on and in
