Don’t Forget to Remember Yourself

How many times have you got into bed at night and remembered that you forgot to do something you promised yourself that morning?

Many of us spend all of our waking moments thinking about others, listening to others and doing things for others. It is often only in the calm and quiet that descends when everyone else is asleep that we find the space to think about and remember our own needs and wants.

If this sounds like you, you are in very good company. The vast majority of clients I work with in my coaching practice are what I call ‘others-centered.’ They put everybody else at the centre of their worlds, and themselves on the periphery. They put other people’s needs (be they real or imagined) first, and their own last. They are so concerned with the well-being of others that they forget how to be well themselves.

Most mothers have a touch of others-centeredness and many women do. But so do many men. Others-centeredness is a bad habit and those of us who have it have had for a very long time – probably since we were children.

It may have started off as a desire to please a parent and get rewarded; you ate the spinach you hated so that you could have the ice-cream you loved. It probably evolved to wanting to fit in and be accepted; you wore the ‘right’ clothes to attract the attention of the guy or girl you had a crush on. You may even have started to smoke and drink to impress others. When you got married, you found yourself spending time with your spouse’s family and friends – even the ones you hate. As a parent, you may find yourself listening to your kids’ music in the car, just to keep the peace.

Your others-centeredness has evolved and developed over time, just as you have. What started off as a desire to show love can progress into a compulsion to ensure that you are loved.

Of course it is all unconscious and we don’t even know that we are doing it. We are oblivious to the fact that we turn ourselves inside out and upside down in our attempts to look after other people – all so that they will look after us.

The problem, though, is that in our quest to look after others we not only neglect to look after ourselves, but we also often make it impossible for others to look after us in return. Even though we crave being looked after.

Being all things to all people becomes ingrained in out thoughts and actions and we forget to think about what we need to be to ourselves. We don’t ask for help (because we don’t think about ourselves for long enough to know what help we need or want). We don’t say no to anyone (because they may do it themselves and realize that they don’t need us so much after all). And we most certainly don’t ever put ourselves first. Or second. Or even third…

When we consistently put ourselves last (even if we aren’t asked to do so) we end up angry, resentful and burned out. Our health suffers, our self-esteem suffers and – ironically – our relationships suffer. When we start to realize, at the end of almost every day, that we forgot to remember ourselves, we start to get angry with the people who we did remember.

Our others-centeredness starts off as an attempt to build and protect relationships. But left unchecked, it can be the very thing that breaks those relationships apart.

Here’s how to you can protect yourself and your relationships:

1. Do something for you. Every day make a point of doing something just for you, with no guilt. Listen to your favorite song, read a chapter of your book, have a candle-lit bath… you don’t have to run away and join the circus to start honoring yourself again.
2. Say yes to you. You don’t have to do everything that you are asked (or even not asked) to do. You can choose what you do and don’t do. Say yes to you by saying no to something or someone else every now and then.
3. Ask for help. After all, letting people help you is letting people love you.
4. Trust. Trust that the people who love you will carry on loving you even when you do things for yourself, when you say no and when you ask for help. They love you, and that is all. (And if they don’t, they don’t deserve you.)

Tags: ask for help | burnout | burnout recovery | coaching | letting people help you is letting people love you | life coaching | look after yourself | online coaching | online coc | others-centred. | put yourself first | say no | say yes to you