You Are Good Enough As You Are
I work with many clients, from a wide range of backgrounds. Almost all of them share at least some of the characteristics and limiting beliefs of adult children. One of the most common of these is the belief I like to call, “if I were better it would be better.”
Growing up, children in chaotic homes develop a belief that all the bad stuff that is going on around them is their fault. It is because they are not good / clever / pretty / funny / strong / brave enough that their parents are fighting. Or unhappy. Or stressed. Or distant. Or scary…
If they were just able to become stronger/braver/better, then their parents would be happy and loving and caring and kind.
Children need to be told that their parents’ distress and discomfort is not the fault or responsibility of the child. Children need to be reassured that their parents don’t blame them for things that go wrong at home. Children need to be noticed and appreciated, to be loved and accepted, to be contained and confirmed.
If parents are not able to do these things for their children (and there is no blame here – everyone does the best they can, no matter how bad that best may be) those children are likely to take this belief with them into adulthood. They will persistently, but unconsciously, feel that they are to blame for all the bad stuff that goes on around them. Their spouse’s bad temper, that affair that s/he had, a child’s illness, a friend losing a job…
Adult children feel responsible for everything and everyone around them. We are driven by an unconscious belief that we can make things better by changing something about ourselves.
- “If I lose weight s/he will love me more.”
- “If I am more interesting he will spend more time with me.”
- “If I have a face lift I will find a good man to love me.”
- “If I wasn’t so tired s/he wouldn’t have had an affair with my best friend.”
There is a small child-like part of us that feels that we can make things better, for ourselves and others, by ‘improving’ ourselves.
But, the truth is that we are not responsible for the choices, responses or actions of anyone other than ourselves.
YOU are not responsible for, nor can you change, the choices, responses or actions of anyone other than yourself.
But you can change your own choices, responses and actions.
And perhaps what needs to be better is not you at all, but the situation that is making you unhappy.
If you have a constant need to be better – to improve yourself, to be more interesting, more attractive, nicer – you are probably an adult child. If you feel responsible for everything and everyone, you are almost certainly an adult child. If you had a childhood that was unpredictable or inconsistent in some way or for some time, you are most likely an adult child.
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Tags: adult child | adult children | be happy | be yourself | look after yourself | self-acceptance
- “I have seen various psychologists and therapists but none of them have the skill of Judy in being able to relate to me and the way I think about things.”
- “Judy, you have given me the tools to change and move my life in directions I never knew possible. I am truly grateful for your help.”
- “Perception is everything and working with Judy has helped me realise my true potential by changing my outlook of life into more positive ones. I enjoy walking out of a life coaching session feeling like I am in control again, less stressed and more energetic.”
- “Judy is my go-to person when I find myself uncertain about how to interpret the signposts in my life. Her insights and ability to draw out what lies deepest inside have helped provide clarity and integrity at pivotal life moments over many years.”
- “I’d recommend Judy to anyone who’s feeling stuck, weary, confused, discouraged, uncertain, in need of support – basically, I’d recommend her to any carbon-based life form that breathes oxygen and would like to have a wonderful life.”
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