Survivor Self and Love

by Judy Klipin

Why is that so many adult children people find it difficult to be in an intimate relationship?

A staggering proportion of people struggle to find love. Almost as staggering is the struggle to stay in love in a healthy way.

Type ‘why can’t I find love?’ into Google and you will get 592 000 000 (that’s 592 million) results. ‘Why can’t I keep love?’ comes back with 560 million results.

That’s a lot of people looking for help.

And the kinds of articles that purport to give answers are pretty astonishing too. The first few I looked at dispensed advice like,

“stop shooting out of your league,”

“make more money,”

“address your fixable physical issues,” and

“stop being needy and self-absorbed.”

There’s all sorts of advice about how to change yourself to improve your chances at love. Advice, by definition, includes recommendations and suggestions for how to change or improve. Even if the premise of “if you were better it would be better” wasn’t so problematic, the idea that there is a one-size-fits-all answer is preposterous.

Most advice is general, generalised and very subjective. Which is why it isn’t always very helpful.

Because every single one of us is unique – and so is our interaction with the world around us.

Millions of people may share a common difficulty (finding and keeping a healthy relationship), but every single one of us has a different set of beliefs, experiences, expectations and behaviours that combine to make our circumstances specific to us. Whether our challenges relate to love, work, food or alcohol (or anything else), we all have our own way of understanding and responding to what is going on in our lives.

Every single one of us has developed a set of responses, adaptations and adjustments that have helped us (or not) to navigate our way through disappointments, fear and success in our lives. We have made sense of all of the good and bad things that have happened to or around us and incorporated that meaning into a set of unconscious expectations, beliefs and behaviours that drive how we are in the world.

This is all embodied in what I call a “Survivor Self” – the unconscious but very powerful part of us that is motivated by a desire to keep us alive (at worst) and happy, fulfilled and healthy (at best).

Our Survivor Self observes dysfunctional relationships and develops an expectation of similar dysfunction in our own relationships. Or it experiences disappointment in feeling valued and cherished and incorporates that experience into an expectation of more disappointment. Or it observes and/or experiences fulfillment and nurturing and thus expects the same going forward.

Just as each of us has unique experiences and observations, so the expectations and fears that drive our Survivor Self are different for everyone. One person’s Survivor Self may protect their person by staying away from all potential partners. Another’s may work by making their person easily influenced and eager to please – even at their own expense. Yet another may feel that the only way to keep loved ones around them is to be needed…

Your Survivor Self looks, feels and is very different from anyone else’s Survivor Self. That is why it is not possible for a book, agony column or an internet article to be able to dispense advice that is relevant and helpful to all of us.

What is more helpful is a process (like counseling or coaching) that helps the individual uncover and understand the experiences, observations and expectations that drive the unconscious (and often unhelpful) beliefs and behaviours of their Survivor Self. Often, the only thing standing between you and love is your Survivor Self’s outdated strategies.

You don’t need to be better; you just have to understand your Survivor Self better…

Feeling overwhelmed in your life, work or relationships?

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Certified Adult Child CoachCOMENSA Registered Coach