Resentment: Relationship Poison (and Its Antidote)

Keith pulls into his driveway after a long day at work. A sense of dread and disappointment descends; his mother-in-law’s car is there. Again. For the third time this week. And it is only Wednesday.

Anna overhears her boyfriend inviting 12 of his closest friends to come over for a few drinks and to watch the soccer. She knows it is going to be a long and loud event, ending in the early hours with a lot of empty beer cans, dirty plates and lingering cigarette smoke for her to clear up.

Sam is taking his elderly mother shopping. Again. He has two siblings, both of whom live a few minutes away, but he is the one who does the lion’s share of caring for their mother. His sister is too busy with her children, his brother is too important at work. Despite his own job, children and commitments, Sam feels he must look after his mother – after all, no-one else is going to.

Pat knows that her husband’s high-pressure, long-hours job is what allows her to stay home and look after the children. But the relentless soothing, shopping and schlepping can feel overwhelming at times. Couldn’t he get up just once in the night for the baby?

Dirty socks left on the floor.

Not hanging up wet towels.

The bed left unmade.

Unequal distribution of family responsibility.

The relative who always borrows money and never repays it.

The colleague who consistently reneges on their responsibilities, leaving us with extra work.

All of these (and so many more) are the kinds of issues that, over time, breed resentment. And if there is one thing that’s toxic for relationships it is resentment. The jokes about a marriage ending over the refusal of one of the spouses to put the toothpaste cap back on the tube is so funny/not funny because we all see some of ourselves and our relationships in it.

It doesn’t matter if our relationship is with a spouse, a sibling, a friend or a colleague; if we want to minimise resentment in our relationships we need to improve our boundaries. We need to set clear, mutually agreed to ways of operating in our personal and relationship spaces. We need to agree on what is OK and what isn’t OK. We need to develop – either overtly or covertly – our own relationship operating procedures.

With clear boundaries (clean up after yourself and your friends; your mother is welcome anytime that I am not here, and twice a week when I am; if you take the children for a couple of hours on the weekend I am happy to get up every night; we will take it in turns to take mom shopping) – and some compromises – we can limit the resentment and increase the rewards we enjoy in our relationships. We can learn when to ask for and offer help, when to say yes and when to say no, when to turn a blind eye and when to speak up.

But we can only do that when we are clear about our own boundaries, and the boundaries that are needed to keep our relationships healthy, strong and happy.

Tags: boundaries | healthy relationships | relationships | saying no