Find Your Inner Adult

Inner child work is very powerful and an often important part of healing childhood pain and disappointments. Many people find that playing with the childlike, care-free, creative and wonder-filled aspects of themselves is very healing.

But for adult children, who even as grown ups frequently feel small, vulnerable, voiceless and choiceless, it is not our inner child that we need to make friends with, but our inner adult. Our inner child (the part of us that feel anxious, scared and defenseless) is often so strongly present that there is little space for our inner adult (that calm, rational and empowered part of us) to enable to make good choices and have healthy relationships in every area of our lives.

In situations of stress, tension or conflict, adult children tend to feel either small, vulnerable and unable to stand up for themselves, or old, tired and responsible for standing up for everyone else – often at our own expense.

Almost always, when we are in our childlike state, we feel that we do not have choice and that we cannot ask for help. We feel fearful and inadequate, and this taints our ability to make positive decisions and lead happy lives. We need to summon up our inner adult.

A quick and easy way to do this is to identify an adult role model- someone living or dead, real or imagined, who gives the impression of calm, rational, adult thoughts and behaviours. Some people find it hard to see anyone as adult, especially if they have not had any real adult presence in their lives. Public figures are usually a good place to look for a role model as it is helpful to select someone who you do not know very well. Oprah Winfrey, Michele Obama, Barack Obama, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama are all role models that have been identified by clients in my coaching room.

My adult role model is Nelson Mandela; he is someone who has been steadfast in his beliefs, and in his self-belief, while at the same time exhibiting kindness and compassion to himself and those around him. Whenever my inner child starts to make herself felt, I ask myself what Nelson Mandela would do in that situation. Miraculously, I feel a sense of calm and compassion descend, and I am able to clearly and mindfully choose the appropriate, adult, response.

My role as a life coach is to help you find your inner adult. Because once you do that, you are able to have healthy relationships, to manage conflict productively, to manage your work-life balance, and to make healthy choices. The greatest gift I can give you is the ability to summon up the adult part of yourself when your inner child is acting up.

Because when we find our Inner Adult, we find our real selves.