Right Now We Are All Feeling Grief

Why am I so grumpy and irritable? Why can’t I sleep through the night? Why do I feel so thin-skinned and overwhelmed? Why is it impossible to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes? Why – when I have so much to be grateful for and appreciative of during this horrible time – am I so freaked out? What has happened to my optimism and enthusiasm?

Many of us are confused about the range and intensity of the emotions we are experiencing at this time.

The answer I think, is that we are grieving. Over and above the fears, anxiety, confusion and loneliness that are so common at this time, we are also all in mourning. We are grieving for all that we have already lost and all that we are still going to lose; the loss of what was and what was going to be.

Being able to go outside without wearing a mask and come inside without having to decontaminate everything…

Shopping in a leisurely manner, cruising the aisles, comparing and selecting items – trying on clothes!

Making plans for the end of the year, the end of the month, even the end of the week…

People.

Events.

Celebrations.

Connection.

Community.

Opportunities.

Experiences.

Freedom.

There is an awful lot to grieve.

And, unlike most bereavement, this one doesn’t seem to have a beginning, middle OR end. It is ongoing and enduring; we are all having to process not only the loss of our past, but also current and future losses.

The funny (funny-odd, not funny-haha) thing about grieving is that it doesn’t always look or feel like sadness. Sometimes it looks like disbelief or denial, sometimes it looks like disappointment, sometimes it looks like guilt and sometimes it looks like fury.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross famously described five stages of grief that most losses are followed by, not necessarily in a linear manner but certainly in progression. The exceptional circumstances that we currently find ourselves in mean that we are going through some or all of the stages of grief at the same time – all the time.  We can experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression and (not so much) acceptance, often with some added guilt, in the space of a week, a day, an hour.

I went through a full cycle just this morning. I started daydreaming about going to the Drakensberg, felt angry that it isn’t an option, got very sad at the realisation that something that is so meaningful to me isn’t possible right now, felt guilty about being so self-indulgent with my #middleclassproblems, and eventually got to acceptance and an understanding that I have to find other ways of resting and recharging for the time being.

That whole cycle took about five minutes and was one of many that I go through regularly and frequently.

I know that I am not alone in having thought processes and grief-cycles like this one; all of us are cycling through all the stages and phases of loss and grief – sometimes many times a day. But because so many of us are unaware of what we are experiencing, or unable to share the burden (possibly because we are ashamed), we think we are the only ones struggling. The truth is that no-one knows how to do this. No-one knows what to expect or when to start expecting it. We are all just making it up as we go along and doing the best we can.

You are not alone in your grief and confusion. Everyone is struggling, and everyone is grieving. Please don’t try to walk this path all by yourself. A trouble shared is a trouble halved; talk to a trusted person in your family, your friends, your colleagues, your children, your therapist, your coach. You can sign up for one of my Covid Fatigue Support Groups, or form one of your own with friends or colleagues. Whatever you do, and however you do it, you will feel so much better when you have told yourself (and someone/s else) the truth about what you are feeling and grieving.

I’d love for you to tell me about your grief and what you are doing to process it.

Tags: burnout | burnout recovery | coronavirus | covid fatigue | covid19 | grief | look after yourself | pandemic | resilience