I is for…
I
The word ‘life’ has the letter I in the centre. Which is exactly where we should be in our own lives.
This does not come naturally to adult children, who tend to be what I call ‘others-centred’ – we put others at the centre of our lives and ourselves on the outside, looking in.
Looking after everyone else first and yourself last is almost certain to end in exhaustion and resentment.
You don’t need to be selfish and nasty to stop being others-centred. But you do need to start looking after yourself – and allowing others to look after you too! Use the ideas below to help you to pay more attention to ‘I’ and less to ‘everyone else.’
Identify
There are many times on our life when we may have a vague feeling of unease or dissatisfaction but we need to make the effort to identify what the specific causes of the unease may be.
Things change all the time and if we are to keep living our best lives we need to set time aside to assess what is working well for us and what isn’t working so well for us anymore.
I use a Wheel of Life to help me get clear on how I am feeling about various aspects of my life and to assist me to identify where I would like to be making some changes.
On a piece of paper draw a circle divided into 8 segments. Name each ‘spoke’ of the wheel as follows: family and friends, work, personal development, physical environment, intimate relationship, money, me time, health. Now place a dot that represents your current level of satisfaction in each of these areas (be honest) along the corresponding spoke.
Join the dots to see where your life is out of balance. You will probably have a very uneven, rather spiky wheel within a wheel – an indication of what is making your life’s journey feel bumpy and uncomfortable. This information will help you to think about some small steps you can take in each life area to make your wheel rounder and your life more balanced and less ‘others-centred’.
I’m OK, You’re OK
When we feel OK we trust that we are able to look after ourselves and make good decisions for our lives. But we often don’t trust that we are OK or that the people around us are OK.
Thomas A Harris wrote a book called “I’m OK, You’re OK.” In it he talks about how we feel compelled to look after others (“I’m OK and You’re not OK) or wish others would look after us (“I’m not OK, You’re OK”).
The best dynamic to be in is one where I know and trust that I am OK, I know and trust that you are OK, and I know and trust that you know and trust that we are both OK.
“I’m OK, You’re OK” is an older version of Byron Katie’s “My business, your business and G-d’s business.” When we are in our own business, we are OK and trust that others are OK too.
Being OK and believing that others are too, allows us to get on with our own lives and to stop the others-centredness that often keeps us trapped in a hamster-wheel of exhaustion, resentment and not-OKness!
It all starts with ‘I’….
What other I words can you think of that should be added?
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Tags: adult children | burnout | coaching | exhaustion | I'm OK | life balance | others-centred. | resentment | wheel of life | You're OK
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