“Why do women have affairs with married men?”
“Why do women have affairs with married men?” A journalist is writing a story about this for Cosmopolitan magazine and wants my input.
The thing is, I don’t know why women, in general, have affairs with married men. If I did I would have my own talk-show and be rich and famous.
But I don’t. And, frankly, I don’t believe that anyone could possibly know why every woman who has ever had an affair with a married man was motivated to do so.
What I do know is that everyone is different.
Everyone has their own life experience and their own story that influences how they are in the world. Every woman who has an affair with a married man has her own individual reasons for the choices she makes. There is no generic reason for affairs.
Try as I might, and I really do try very hard, I can’t seem to get journalists to understand this.
In the world of popular media, and women’s magazines in particular, there is a need to generalize, to popularize, to sensationalize. I can just see the front page screaming: “You are the other woman because your parents didn’t allow you to learn ballet when you were five! ” or something equally weighty.
It scares me when I get asked to give my thoughts on these topics. What if I am quoted out of context – it can, and does, happen. What if I am misquoted? Again, been there, done that. Many people take what they read in their favourite magazines very seriously. A lot of harm can unwittingly be done by someone trying to write a punchy story.
I could say no. And I still may. But they will only find someone else who will be more willing to make generalizations that may not be all that helpful to readers.
So I will probably try, again, to get the message across that everyone is different. And if the journalist wants to help her readers understand why they have affairs with married men, perhaps she could encourage them to a coach or therapist to help them understand their own story and make sense of their own choices and patterns.
P.S. I went to supervision just after I wrote this blog. I discussed the dilemma with my supervisor and it became clear to me that I didn’t want to work on this story. I sent the journalist an email explaining why I didn’t feel comfortable helping her out this time around. She was incredibly gracious and generous and understanding.
It feels like a win – win.
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Tags: affairs | articles | coach | coaching | everyone has a story | everyone is different | married men | why do people make the choices they make | why do women have affairs | writing
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